I have plenty to write but I did not seems to know how to start. But here it goes: The Beginning of The Spiraling Madness
I've always said to myself and to others, that changes whatever the form it would be is always a great thing to do. Not only it allows you to embark and see new stuff, experience new things and learning about all possibilities.
But then again when changes come in rapidly I myself have to struggle and keeping my head above the water.
Would things be better without the rapid changes then? I always ask that question to myself.
Let's start on the beginning the very beginning: the decision to join the workforce, experience the world and have yourself shaped by the mock cruelty of the world are all the words and descriptions that my mother would tell me when I asked that I still want to stay in the fortress. Now after a year almost passed, I think that the words and descriptions have been ringing true. Then again I didn't expect it be like this.
Swift and powerful it may seems but the changes are chronically over and over sweeping me off my feet.
And when the time to breathe come, I hardly believe that things that surround me have been wildly changes without I even allowing or prohibiting it from.
It's the same feeling that arises when you're getting kidnapped, blindfolded and taken to a place that you did not know existed and getting executed without knowing who or for what matter you're deserve to get such treatment.
Such is life they say, you'll never get what you want or what you deserve. But later on you'll see that those you get are what you'll need.
Now time already passed, but still the past haunts me every now and then.
Logic and Emotion
Come to think of it, the matters that happen to me are probably because of the everlasting clash between logic and emotion. No matter what the head say it's always the heart that leads.
Such matter caused by this is always wrenching, because no matter what I argument would I say, I always be in the losing side. then again I'm having my argument with emotional being after all.
Tiring as it may seems, it serves me as a reminder from time to time.
Profound New Tiredness
Liberation.yes. I do feel liberated after all the events surrounding me unfolded.
Betrayed.yes. what can I say? do I imagine that these kind of things will happen to me? not if I am able to know what happens behind my back.
But then again I did feel tired.
I felt that I just want to sleep in the everlasting storms that had come and will come to me.
I wanted to be swept away by those storms, carried over to the calm. waking up in a state of newborn, without memories. Blank as the white paper.
But as I said, that's what I want, not what I need, and it's not me who decide what I need or which one I do not need.
Then I kept my head high and lead my way out. Till to the point that I almost have no time for myself.
Such again tiredness come to me, not as the storm. But as the struggle. Strangely enough I do feel that this will last even longer. I do feel that contentment and fulfillment is merely a concept, an imagination or fatamorgana to be exact.
It is as bleak as my future. Unimaginable beyond the point of age that I have now.
Such these are the words of me. In which I hope peace and grace would've come easily.
But if the struggle it is to be. Then what can I say?
"Protect me from what I want but give me what I need"